For most of my life, I thought avoiding conflict was a virtue.
If something bothered me, I’d brush it off. “No big deal,” I’d say. “They probably didn’t mean it” or “Not worth bringing it up.”
If I wanted something different, I’d keep it to myself and hope the other person would eventually just get it.
Somewhere early on, I picked up the idea that good people don’t rock the boat. They don’t make others uncomfortable. They stay agreeable. They shrink themselves so that other people can feel safe.
And when that belief gets baked in early, it follows you everywhere.
It shows up in meetings where you don’t speak up, in friendships where you let things slide, or in relationships where your needs get pushed to the back of the line.
But here’s what I’ve learned: every time you avoid conflict with someone else, you create conflict within yourself.
And that kind of internal conflict? It doesn’t fade. It festers.
You tell yourself you’re moving on—but really, you’re storing it all.
Eventually, it shows up somewhere else. You snap at your partner over something tiny. You send a passive-aggressive email at work. You get irrationally upset when someone leaves dishes in the sink.
The reaction feels out of proportion—because it is. You’re not just reacting to that moment. You’re reacting to every moment when you didn’t speak up.
Conflict doesn’t break relationships. Avoiding it does.
The only way out is through—by sharing the small stuff before it turns into big stuff.
How do you do that?
First, here’s what not to do. Don’t vent your frustration like a verbal drive-by. Don’t wait until you’re at your breaking point and then blurt out, “You always do this!” or “Why do I have to explain this again?”
Start by asking for permission to share. You might say, “Hey, something happened the other day that bothered me. Is this a good time to talk about it?”
This part is really important.
Most people skip it. They go straight into their frustration—often when the other person is distracted, stressed, or not ready to receive it. And that’s when things spiral.
By asking first, you create space. You give the other person a chance to be grounded before the conversation begins.
Once they say yes, keep it simple:
Here’s what happened.
Here’s how it felt.
And here’s what I was hoping for—or what might help next time.
Then pause. Let the other person respond.
When they do, stay curious and calm. Lean in with the same openness you’d want from them.
And if the other person gets defensive? If they blow up or shut down? As long as you’re coming in with clarity and calm, their reaction is on them—not you.
Some people just aren’t ready for healthy conflict. And if someone consistently treats your honesty like an attack, they’re probably not the right fit for you.
And here’s what I’ve found: the more often you have these conversations, the less charged they feel—for everyone involved.
When you speak up while the issue is still small—before it festers—you’re not carrying the weight of ten past conversations that never happened. You’re just focusing on one thing, in real time, from a grounded place.
It becomes less of a confrontation—and more of a check-in.
And when you do that consistently, it doesn’t just shift the conversation.
It shifts the relationship.
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Bold
